/adv/ — International Long Distance Wife is in a Crisis, What can I do?

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As far as I have it worked out so far, my options are basically:

>Overstay visa in America for a long time
>barred from America for doing that

>try to smuggle her into Canada to overstay her visa here
>would be insanely risky, as she would probably get turned away at the border with her cats

>leave her
>she probably just kills herself

>try to wait it out
>she might kill herself, will almost certainly get fired from her job, will have pretty much nowhere to go other than her adoptive mom, I will get stuck with the bills if anything happens

>Encourage her to quit her job and go move in with her adoptive mom now
>She will absolutely hate it, her adoptive mom is a redneck retard who no one likes being around, treated her poorly as a child

All those options suck so bad I don't know how to choose...

>>34612456
>try to wait it out
This seems like the best option because if it fails and she loses her job, you can alwaus go to the move in with her step-mom option

>>34612422 (OP)
Your international long distance WHAT
>like severely severely, maybe undiagnosed PTSD severely, I don't know
Of course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriage.

Shit dude. Go out and meet some normal chick , stat! If you can't do that , go to a hooker , plapjal, goon for a few days, anything to clear your head and try to lessen whatever insane off the charts degree of desperation has driven you to this.
Are you completely , utterly insane? How do you even get such an idea?

>>34612505
>Of course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriage.
This.
Leave her.
>but shes the best I can do and I don't want to be alone.
You'll figure out it's better to be alone lonely than married and stressed the fuck out

Why the f did you marry someone from a different country? How did you even meet her and decide to marry her?

>>34612516
I am pretty significantly disabled. I chat with people online, including /soc/. I met her there, and we fell in love with each other. Married later after talking and visiting for a while, as that is the only way we could move in together.

Disabled life is hard. I was single for 10 years and unemployed for a couple. I was planning on being single for the rest of my life, but could not pass up the opportunity to have someone love me enough to move to my country to be with me, even if she is pretty mentally ill.

If I knew she would collapse this severely, I would never have done it, obviously. I made the best decision I could. FWIW she has been stably and gainfully employed for her entire adult life with no major incidents like this, so it was a calculated risk.

>>34612515
>You'll figure out it's better to be alone lonely than married and stressed the fuck out
It's definitely looking that way.

>>34612422 (OP)
>long distance wife
I wonder how people end up like this

Can't she visit a psychiatrist? They might not institutionalize her but give her meds.

>>34612638
this. meds and therapy asap, if not already

>>34612638
I could arrange for that. I hope to god something works for her.

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>>34612505
>Of course shes a nutter, no even remotely normal woman would even consider a logn distance international marriage
QE fucking D

Anon, I know you read on this site about ran thru roasties and how mercurial modern women are, and I'm not going to argue that, I will just say, the women that are down for international relationships are even less sane, which is a major factor 4channers overlook.

its like the unemployed software people recommending 21 year olds go into the trades, the critique of their industry is correct, but their solution (which they have zero real world experience with passport-broing or working a trade) is magical thinking

Anyone willing to marry a chronically ill man is going to be kind of insane. I understand that much.

>>34612652
>picrelated
So hot

>>34612422 (OP)
How long ago did you marry and how fast did you agree to marry after meeting? Who suggested it?

>>34612758
Married after 6 months together. Married for 9 months now. She orginally suggested it, but we talked about it at length, and I spent months carefully deciding before I actually agreed to do it.

Part of the calculus was that we were both pretty aware that it was either going to be each other or nobody, probably, as she has difficulty connecting with people, and I'm chronically ill.

In retrospect 6 months is obviously too soon, however if I leave her I will likely spend the rest of my life alone and in serious poverty.

how long till u get permission to enter the US? btw tf is /soc/.

I know none of this appears blatantly irrational, and upon closer examination still an awful idea perhaps, but nothing is ever simple when you're dealing with these kinds of conditions.

>I am chronically ill with mild chronic fatigue and some complicating factors like ADHD which make it extra hard to manage on my own.
>had to drop out of my college
>will never be able to work full time again probably
>single for a long time
>basically no social circle to draw from

>She is pretty autistic, and needy emotionally
>she generally has a hard time understanding others and vice versa
>she got by with one really good friend she was close with, otherwise very alone
>they passed away unexpectedly, leaving her with nobody, probably trauma too

In person it's pretty good. We have similar interests, similar lifestyles, strong mutual attraction, a lot of emotional love for each other, similar belief systems, priorities, goals, etc.

She compensates for my physical disability and I help compensate for her mental issues, it was a fair enough looking deal to me. It got real bad, though.

>>34612784
Did you perhaps wonder if she has BPD and could smell a desperate case from 1000 miles way

>>34612797
She's coming here. Its 8 months at least.

>>34612814
She has actually been screened for that by a psychologist already. I have wondered if the psychologist actually got it wrong when they said she didn't have it.

Autism can cause similar instability. I don't know.

What is the implication, that someone with BPD would want someone to desperate to leave so they can be as crazy as they want?

>>34612830
Let's try to think logicalistically.
Did these meltdowns and crashouts occur mainly after your marriage or were they just as frequent before your marriage? Both online before you actually met and after meeting but not yet married

>What is the implication
It's pretty well-known that BPDs target autistic guys who are late to the dating game and still have that teenage naive case of one-itis

>>34612844
No kidding about that last part lol. Even in the beginning when she was coming on way too hard, I told her several times to just act chiller because I am not interested in a whirlwind romance. Now I'm at the point where I basically believe strong emotions have no place in a marriage at all except for rare circumstances.

Target for what though? They want someone to manipulate? I have no resources to take.

>>34612844
The crashouts where nowhere near as frequent before we got married. They happened once in a while, a couple times a month maybe, but some of these times after I go home in marriage are daily full scale nuclear meltdowns that last for hours, its completely fucked. Would never ever have considered marrying her if I predicted that it would get that bad.

>>34612885
>Target what
It's not money they want, it's undivided deep connection to another person who will plug their abandonment wound void they developed from parental abandonment. If she is that, then the meltdowns and episodes will slowly intensify, and this is usually their method of testing how strong the connection is and if you will abandon or not

>>34612913
That's a pretty standard M.O where they suppress it until the relationship is locked in

>>34612918
Shit, that would explain why it just keeps getting worse over time. Each time I go home it has gotten more and more severe. I don't think the meltdowns are a test or a method, I think she is actually just totally losing her mind emotionally. Still its really bad.

>>34612935
Well OP love is still possible despite all this, you just have to see her episodes as not fully her fault and understand you'll be doing a lot of mental support moving forward. Try making playful sexual and romantic talk when she's in the middle of a breakdown, somehow it just works to calm them down.

Fuck, the more I think about it, the more it has to be BPD. I can't believe I fell for this shit.

>all negative energy all day
>she just dumps constantly without any consideration for how it affects me
>shows zero interest in other people or what they're doing, exclusively talks about them in terms of how well they meet her needs
>the extreme meltdowns are always triggered by me not wanting to talk or me talking to someone else
>every time I refuse to talk she does something truly unhinged, like speeding down the highway
>sudden switching between white hot anger and crying about how im the most important thing to her
>demands constant attention 24/7
>bottomless pit of needs
>she talks about all of her negative emotions strictly in terms of what I did to provoke them, or how I could have done more to prevent them.
I could go on. I think I'm done with it.

Pray that I don't get hooked by the yo yo when she tries to pull me back in, bros.

>>34613457
Is she actually your very first OP? How old are you?

>>34613468
First serious relationship, yes, first girl, no. I've slept with other women but nothing serious before.

Almost 30

>>34613471
Ah so quite the autist late bloomer who truly believed this was his last shot and got some awareness issues kek. But you're still pretty young and got a lot of time and opportunities dude. How many times did you meet with her in total?

>>34613511
Total? I spent about a month and a half with her in person before marrying, and another 4 months since then.

Tbh it probably is my last shot, but I'd rather rot alone in poverty than this. I seriously doubt there is a sane woman who would live with a mostly unemployed chronically ill weird sperg.

Yes I have huge awareness issues. Zero autobiographical memory. Almost never understanding my own feelings. No visual imagination. Its absurdly difficult navigate something like this.

>>34613563
Have you tried pushing back a bit against the breakdowns? Tell her your capacity is limited and put your foot down. Sometimes it can work

>>34613601
Yes. It has gotten violent before.

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>>34613606
She hit you?

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>>34613615
Yeah :(

I don't think I like her very much. I love her dearly, though.

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>>34613653
If that's really the case then you should ask her to get help with this stuff if your relationship is to continue in any form. personally I had a relationship with a BPD that lasted way beyond normal because when they had delusional meltdowns it triggered this internet debater edgelord jokester in me, and like a retard I actually enjoyed bothering to dismantle/argue with the delusions, until they escalated and targeted my relatives then it was over

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>>34613697
Sorry you had to go through that, man. Evem the nost implaccable heart will be bruised by that.

>>34613653
look how fast random strangers convinced you to break up with her. you have to be better than that. She loves you and love is so hard to find. Who cares if she crashes out from time to time? i did that too in the beginning of my long distance relationship but it was also because my partner didn’t give me that feeling of stability. Now it’s all stable and great. Also your reasoning for being with her b cause you fear being poor forever is weird

>>34613720
In the past 5 days alone she's tried to commit suicide at least twice, gotten fired and then unfired, ripped out so much hair that her scalp is bleeding, had medics called on her 3 different times for self harm, caused multiple 8+ hour long fights for no reason, used the previous things as leverage to manipulate me into dropping everything I'm doing to give her attention, broken her own hand, blamed all of it on me.

I don't know if that is real love. I think that's just mental illness.

>>34613735
Did she provide actual evidence of these things happening?

>>34613845
Yes. They happened. Not to be so naive as to assume she *wouldn't* make up something like that for attention also, because she has before, but these recent ones have been real.

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>decide to turn off my phone instead of being on speakerphone with her all night as usual
>told her 7-8 times that I just didn't want to be on the phone tonight, but love her still
>wake up to a call from the hospital, she's in with two badly slit wrists
>67 unread messages, a suicide note, 15 missed calls

>she impulsively had my number removed from her emergency contact because my phone was off when medics tried to call me
>now they can't discharge her because im not on the emergency contact, its some dude she talks to online that ive never met
Jesus CHRIST how the fuck did I wind up here

>>34614254
Holy shit op that's awful
>>34614260
>Some dude she talks to
Didn't you say she doesn't have any friends?

>>34614320
Not real friends. This is some guy she calls to cry at randomly. She used to have 4 or 5 of these, but the other 4 eventually confessed feelings for her. This guy is married so I guess he just puts up with it.

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>>34614332
>the other 4 eventually confessed feelings for her
The married one is also trying to put his hot dog inside her

>>34614260
Ur getting cucked bro

>>34614332
I'm not trying to worry you OP nor should you conclude this without solid evidence, but there are probably much more than the handful you know about and she would have a few ready to monkey branch to at any given time

>>34614429
Nah, I've seen the way they talk. Doubt it. They were all random people from far away that she met on either /soc/ or WoW. All of them were such awkward spergs that she would just let them type paragraphs about orthodox christianity or whatever. She blocked all of the ones that were weird to her. Last one is clearly tired of her shit and just doesnt want her to kill herself.

>need to convince the charge nurse to let her out of rhe hospital
>they assume she's lying about having a husband in a other country
>won't lsiten to her to let me speak to them
It would be funny if it wasnt so insane

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>Apparently they've been trying to call me but she gave them my phone number wrong by one digit, she didn't notice because she calls me on whatsapp

>>34614534
Isn't there some document you can show that you're married?

>>34614555
Yes but she didnt have it on her lol

Why are you unemployed btw OP?

>>34614584
Full time work is unmanagable with my disabilities. Decent part-time work is very difficult to find.

>>34614598
What are your disabilities if you don't mind sharing

>>34614626
mild CFS, ADHD, and plantar fasciitis both feet.

Its shit. ADHD makes managing fatigue extremely difficult, fatigue makes ADHD much worse, and I can't do a brainless physical job. Last time I had a full time job I had ridiculously fortunate accomodations.