/adv/ — How to make a bigger sister apologize

What are the prior incidents like? Does she shout often?


Ive had relatives who flip their shit for less. Like screaming cause you are looking for something on the floor

>>34624012
Earlier it always just been regular stuff but it's like whenever her glass gets filled to the brim she feels like she can treat people around her like however she wants. I wouldn't have bat an eye at this if it only affected her, but as I wrote this time I'm the one whos fucked also expected to build a new bridge.

She isnt inherently a bad person, just one who never got told "no", rather got told "do whatever you want in life" basically.

We were both bullied early in our lifes and she found her church, meanwhile I found computer games.

Today she is exactly the say as 20 years ago whereas I*ve changed completely. Didnt like my self at all before.

She's seen my changes and thinks they're odd and never have she asked me about my mental state or anything like that, whenever I talk to her about mental illness in our family she listens but never replies, always the same "you should really go an see some proffessional"

>my sister is a bitch
ok, not much to be done about that

>>34624019
> her glass gets filled to the brim
She drinks?

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>>34624002 (OP)
That's a bit of a rough one, man and I'm sorry to hear it. Always breaks my heart when family doesn't gel. Sometimes that's just how it goes. You've probably heard the saying before that blood is thicker than water which is an abbreviated version with an inverse meaning.

The blood of the coven of thicker than the water of the womb. Sometimes family just will not be compatible and that's how it goes. It's nobodies fault per se, it's just psychological differences that clash.

My feelings on the matter are that your sister hides her demons very well, likely under the comfortable blanket of forgiveness that blind faith tends to provide. For her to remain apathetic to her own brother to maintain her persona of decency that is reinforced by her commitment to faith is a twisted justification on emotional abandonment. There is a good chance the she was traumatized or abused to default her mind into thinking that all is justified through the acceptance of faults or transgressions through Christ.

Psychology indicates that those that judge others are actually projecting discomforts that they harbor within themselves. If you really care about her and your guys relationship I would take the high road if I were you and ask her if she needs to talk, or if there's anything you guys can work through to bring out her REAL version, so to speak. If you're able to explore the darkness that hides our insecurities and afflictions together you can have some profound developments pertaining to insight and growth.

Is easier said than done and it does take work but it will most certainly help the bond between the both of you. She turned to religion for strength, maybe if you show her that you can help her be strong too she will come to appreciate you more than you are and what you've grown to become.

If she's not emotionally mature enough to handle a bridge between you two that will facilitate understanding, compassion, and growth then I would step back and carry on.

>>34624002 (OP)
>So, how do I trey and bridge this fucked up gap
Honestly, I don't understand why you would want to.

>>34624002 (OP)
she's autistic and her special interest is religion

>I've felt like she's had a mask all her life and that Ive never truly felt like Ive met "her", just a version she projects.
You don't want to meet the real her. She doesn't like the real her.

Literal demon possessed by a church girl and forced to act decent.

I get along pretty well with my own brother. We've only had each other looking out for us since we're little and we try to do so even now when we got our own lives

>>34624002 (OP)
>Why? I think she prays to her imaginary friend and that she, through "him", forgive her self - never actually being forced to say it straight to the persons face.
First of all, Jesus is not imaginary friend. Second of all, she seems like a fake Christian to me, like all church goers. They get stuck in ritualistic practices and forget the most important thing, Jesus, and with Jesus the rest follows, humility, being humble, forgiving, and of course, reconciliation (Matthew 5:23–24).

>>34624137

Thank you so much for your text. It warms.

I cant put my finger on why, but I feel an innate sense of keeping the relationship alive.

My relationship to my mom is another topic too which is also strained but both of these two people never means to be mean, I think, they're probably just stuck in old ways.

They're scared of growing I think, its much easier to keep doing the dysfunctional shit they do but at least they know what to expect beforehand.

The thing with my sister right now tho would primarily be centered around reaching out but doing it in a way that doesnt give her the usual "Upper hand" as a older sis who never lets me in again, there has to be changes.

If I meet a person in, for example, a house party and they show the qualities that my sister, and mom, does I'd promptly walk away - not even bother to explain why.

So, I feel endlessly torn as I feel alone with them, cant really connect with them expect for when I put my own way of thinking and viewing the world to the side - but they're my family.

I lost my dad in 2019, me and him didn't have a real close relationship in the sense that he asked me how school was going or how I felt about things in general - it was more of me being handed a pc (which was my sole interest during my earlier years) and just leasing me to it. My mom did the same. They both never invested in me during my formative years expect for putting food on the table, roof over my head etc - what I call baseline. They loved me but I was left alone a lot.

>>34624706
So today, at 32, I'm hyper independent and have a real hard time asking people for help or ever actually believable people want to listen to me talk about stuff I like talking about and always having to second guess a lot of stuff.

I really think my two messed up, three counting my dad but we we're making real progress without any anger or hatred during his last months. I really wish sometimes that he was still here, some days I think that he would've been the only one tij my family I'd been able to actually have a better relationship with. But he died.

So I'm back to my previous topic - I cant give up on my remaining family because, I don't want to be totally alone. Even tho I don't feel like I'm seen or understood by them.

>>34624718
I've been harsh with my mom for a lot of years because of the neglect I realized that I went through as a child.

I realize she cant give me back that and that I'm actually proud of what I've been able to transform my self into even tho I've lacked self love and patience up until maybe recently where I think I've just accepted my hand more or less.

So now my sister is being a prick not tacking accountability or even asking if she ever did anything wrong to make me act this way, and a mom who wants a closer relationship today even tho she raised me hyper independent and through experiences I've seen who my mom really is and because of the fact that I formed my self through rigorous "throwing my self towards the wall and see what stick" I basically formed resentment towards her as I cant fathom how someone, even someone with anxiety and mental illness/bad self love etc, could't just have been present in their sons life.

She priorities her own pc as she was a coder early on but would rather choose to stay up late, smoke at her pc when I was sleeping in the room next to hers and be asleep a good 3-4 hours each morning after Id woken up.

>>34624731
Just because stuff has been a certain way "all the time" doesnt mean that its right or working correctly t all, maybe some people hold on to old/bad patterns cause the other potion is too scary or whatever. Comfortability is also a key part here.

I've tried talking to my sister for year at this, point trying desperately to get her point of view on shit that I find difficult to understand, our parts for example, or why we on my moms side of the family have an unspoken rule of never talking about difficult subjects.

My grandparents are alive at 86 and 88 respectfully and had a harsh upbringing, something my mom had to endure in her own ways - but basically fucking up my whole head as she became her own parent and never ever even trying to take a smidgen of accountability is the issue I have with her. I know it wont change the past, but I need to know that you truly understand it all. The acknowledgement is the key for me to trying to be more closer to my mom.
Tho every time she tried in the past to get in the middle of me and my sister, like two years ago me and her argued infront of the family about something not serious and my mom jumped in from nowhere and basically tried to stop the fight - to which I always think the same thing: Why the fuck would I listen to you when you didnt do this shit when I needed it earlier?

>>34624755
I've been harsh to mom too, same as with dad, when I was younger as I never understood then what I truly was feeling the moment. What did I need? What did I not need?

I genuinely cant think of any concrete examples of where I was traditionally raised.

My dad for example. Id yell and tell him how much he sucked - just because, this theory I realized a couple of months ago, I anted him to care about me. Ask me how my exam went, ask me how I'm feeling about "whatever"... Ask me, ask me so I can understand my self with my guardians protection. But no.

But mom and dad worked late and were hardly present except for, like I said, putting food on the table etc.
Maybe that's why I'm having a hard time trying to reconnect with mom later on today.

I know my parents never meant anything to harm me, they never beat me or yelled at me really. They were just so tired before and after work to ever take part in the life that they created.

I have very few memories from childhood too. I guess thats a common side effect of someone surviving instead of living

>>34624773
So, my sister...

I cant crack the nut yet but I somehow have to fix this as we spend xmas tohether, the whole family, and I will for sure be the bad guy if It doesnt get fixed as Im the one who created this mess, that probably how they see it.

Also when talking to my mom on the phone about when this happened with my sis my mom had my back an supported me for standing up towards my sis - mom even said she never told my sister "no" during her upbringing.

One week later after her having had one coffee with my sis at a cafe my mom phoned me up and basically begged me to smooth things over with my sis.

When I told mom that its not my fault and that I wont stand for my sis to never be held accountable and that Ive tried and tried and tried again and again talking with my sis about how I've tried talking to her for years about me wanting to be more closer and having more insight into her life thoughts and feelings - my mom gaslighted me and said that "You should think you know better than anyone" and the classical "dont be so sensitive". Mom told me this a week after she congratulated me on standing my ground. And I hung up immediately.

Honestly if I'd have the money I'd go to therapy but is stupid expensive here. I really cant think of anyone I know that I'd be able to phone up and just be able to talk to the natural way I talk to people and dig through my thoughts with me.
I dont think I "need" a specialist, just a eager ear and a playful mind.

Always felt the same my whole life (not even trying to sound dramatic at all, pure truth)that I¨ve never found anyone that I match with when it comes to values and principles. Some days I feel truly alone even tho I have no problem with being by my self (remember, independent).

So I turn to this thread. I mostly need to get shit off my chest. Am always open to new ideas and perspectives.

Truly appreciate all the comments, truly.

Again, sorry for the wall of text.

>>34624800
"You should't think you know better than anyone" *

>>34624002 (OP)
sibling fights once ur both adults is stupid. both of u have zero reason to be this way. cut the childish crap

>>34624662
Christians can talk about fake Christians when they stop recruiting. You want more random people worshipping the same way and you want to eat your cake too.

*Borderline desperate bump*

>>34625327
I agree. But how do I bridge the gap without letting her know that her bullshit will ever be tolerated again, so the cycle ends?

I've looked the other way when she's acted up before cause of my fear of having zero family but I cant stand another violation of decency or respect just because she isnt feeling like it.

Also, like some people write, and which my mom has said her self to me regarding my sis is that sis seems to project to her church friends through the years too, to fit in and be the "best" church goer basically. Mom doesn't say thins to drag my sis down or anything malice, just an observation that she doesn't find all that healthy, is my take on it.

I've protected my sis through the years but this time, when she snapped at me, it basically made all the puzzle pieces fall into place and I saw her for what she really is and not what I've projected on her and saw what I've wanted to see, I guess.

Like I said if this was a friend I'd broken them off the same day basically. - Funny thing that actually happened to me a couple of months ago where a new friend also snapped at me and I withdrew and cut ties. Even he want able to even ask a simple question like "Did I do anything to provoke your response? Anything I can do to mend things?" but nothing. Just text asking how I'm doing and asking if I'm alright.

When I told my sis about this back in like February she basically listened to the whole story and when I was done she promptly started to protect my cot off friend basically saying "but, think of how he felt".

That also cemented something, previously to our fight, that she really doesn't have my back it feel like. Even when I literally tell her how he hurt me in the first place.

Not sure where I'd place my sis in my life today but like I said, I need to mend shit before at least Christmas as we gather the whole family every year and it holy to us.

How to I break the ice and the cycle?

Sounds like a strained relationship

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>>34626455
Perhaps you're just over complicating things. Emotions shift perspective into funny places of you let them run wild.

What you really need to do since it seems to me that your peace have been consistantly violated is open, honest communication. Say what you mean, mean what you say and the truth will be a filter for what needs to be on the surface.

Explain that you feel heartbroken because of her lack of priority for her family. That you want to reconcile despite differences and be open to her emotional realm being vulnerable if you're able to get that far.

Seems like she may be closed off emotionally and crutching on religion which is fine if you're not strong enough but it's the wrong way. It's surpressing instead of resonating which just manifests darkness within the soul. Does your sister blame you for her treatment during the upbringing?

She's the older child. I am also the eldest of 3 children and from what I've gathered the 1st born gets the toughest crash course. Parents that struggle to find their footing, struggling with balancing responsibility, wants and needs that don't over shadow your attention to the life you created that depends on you for everything. It's rough. For the child and the parents, but the child doesn't have a choice and the parents do, that's the difference.

Now with that being said, when a new child comes along as a parent you know more of what to expect, how to deal with shit, etc. And with that comes diversion of attention. A new child will receive all that extra love and attention at the cost of the other(s) because of the principality of the situation. Regardless of this is human nature it can have profoundly negative psychological impacts on a childs mind.

Everyone responds and develops to trauma and coping differently. She may harbor a resentment for you that is ultimately out of your control and if she's not comfortable enough to acknowledge that she may perhaps die on that hill due to her lack of awareness.

>>34626839
She's never balmed me for anything, always being neutral and forgiving in any an all situations.
That shit drives me insane because tf you mean, what do YOU want? What do YOU think of this? This is the root to my issue with her as I've opened up totally to her about almost everything in my life to try and get her to join in and explore new topics and talk about how some aspects to our upbringing didn't really work out and how to possibly change it towards something better - but she has never caught on. Just telling me to accept stuff and people as they are and to try and change my perspective, basically.

I read all your text and the part about being de-prioritized was probably a real thing that she endured. I barely have any memories from around birth to 16, just glimpses. She remembers a hell of a lot more tho.

Mom and dad split when I was 4, and I lived at moms until I was 16 - later moving to dads for five years (sis did the same at my age)
We only spent time with moms side of the senpai as dads lives in another country.
As mom was chronically online during the nights and dad apparently, according to mom today, worked sometimes multiple days and wouldn't show up home(when the lived together) - so my mom dumped me and my sis at our grandparents.

They are sweet people but have endure stuff that's made them never wanting/needing/being able to talk about bad stuff without killing the subject.

>>34624002 (OP)
What this wall of gibberish comes down to is that 2 months ago your sister "raised her voice" and you've been seething about it ever since.

Get a life.

I cant blame them at 86 and 88 respectfully today for doing this tho. They've probably endured more than I can ever imagine, so I obviously give them a pass when it comes to trying to be vocal with my senpai members about changing out the dysfunctional stuff and replace it with empathy, compassion and curiosity.

My sis or mom have never liked this take. But as my mom was very unwell mentally a couple of years when I lived with her and probably before that I've developed many coping mechanisms and shit that I fell still today hinders my overall life - even tho I've done a huge shift the last 12 years but no one in my senpai sees any real need to change stuff. Especially my sis.

I get a sense of that my sis really yearns for older times, like living in the past when religion was all there was. She hated modern music, never understands my takes on societal problems or has EVER complained about anyone before. Ive always had the feeling of always just seeing a shell of her any maybe it is because shes afraid or just doesn't want people to know the real her, can't tell.

I actually did my confirmation at around 16-18 with her as a church leader and spent two more years trying it out and really trying to get into it but I had too many critical question that no one could ever even try and answer so I left, without any proof there's no rational reason to believable shit. Sorry if Im being overly negative about religion btw but you probably understand me.

Without Christ my sis would probably have been on a completely different path today, one I'd probably not like so much if her old friends lifes are anything to go by.

But I cant shake the feeling of never having met my sister, like I said and that shit is so ass.

>>34626874
Your right but also not really.

I get it if you don't feel like reading it all tho.

Cheers

>>34624002 (OP)
wtf is that cat real??